(Mis) Adventures of Online Dating!
Hello Readers! I’m back to my favorite blogs. The kind you wanted to read. Goodbye wholesome!
With so many dating sites available in the market, there just seems to be something for everyone: the youngsters (there’s Tinder, the Christians, the gays , there’s Grinder), the senior citizens (senior dating), the LGBT (man looking for a man, or women looking for women), then the Jewish Dating, AsianHookups.com, MyTransexualDate .com and countless other sites. And the good news is, it’s free to put up your profile.
Let me share with you true accounts of people dear to me, in terms of this new wave of dating. To protect their identities, I’m using aliases since a lot of them are my Facebook friends.
Let’s start with Leem, 35. An attractive executive assistant, divorced. She met Joey from Stockton, who owns a dog. They hiked the American River with his dog. He had a poop bag on the dog leash- a proof of responsible pet ownership. The second date was again a walk with his dog. This time, no poop bags, and Leem noticed he was just leaving dog shit in the public parks. True colors are showing quickly. After a long walk, he picked a heart-shaped river rock and handed it to Leem. How romantic ! Then he asked, “If I’m going out of town, can you dogsit my dog?” Leem replied “Oh no! Because I have a cat who’s territorial!” After that, it was a breathless goodbye, and that’s the end of it! Never heard from him again so I threw the heart-shaped rock!
Meet Mel, 37 years old, a State employee, divorced. It was on a site considered to be No. 1- with more relationships and marriages, called Match.com. There was a sale and availed of a promo where you pay one month and get three months subscription. First date was with a lawyer at a cafe. The dates turned out to be consistent. They both enjoyed the outdoors. The weeks turned out to be a year and a half. Until she found out he is a womanizer having a GF in Southern Cal for 10 years. She cut the relationship but kept the friendship which turned out to be great since Mel’s son got so bonded with this lawyer that he treated him like he’s own father.
Meet Roland, an attractive 48-year old. He chatted with a voluptuous Italian and decided to rake her out to dinner on Valentine’s Day. He reserved his favorite fine dining restaurant, choosing a romantic corner table with candlelight and red roses, too. He’s been friends with the owner of the restaurant and had the reputation of dating the hottest women here. Approaching his table, he spotted a 300 lb. woman. There’s no escaping. No choice but to be nice. But Roland was so humiliated with the waiters, and bartenders that after dinner, it was home straight. How he wished to disappear!
Vanessa, 42, met this Polish-American. First date – no connection! They tried their best to talk. None! After dinner he asked, “How do we pay for this? ” Vanessa replied, “You pay yours, and I pay mine.” See, if the man is into you, he will pay for dinner.
An attractive employee with a great sense of humor, Lucy is into a dating machine. She had 3 dates for the day. For quick lunch, she met Dave, who seemed like looking for a younger woman. Cute, more immature than her. He just wants to workout. Though conversation was pleasant, there was no connection.
Then for afternoon snack, Lucy met Brian, handsome white male, but she didn’t remember much since he had no impact. Lastly, the third for the day was an evening Starbucks date. “This time, a lawyer, Atty. R, but we looked both burnt out (he probably has his 3rd date too for the day). We sat in the patio and slumped on the chair while we were having coffee, both exhausted. But we were honest with each other,” she shared. Lucy told Dave, “You know what, maybe we should have just a questionnaire on a first date and get to answer the paper, and read their answers. And if your dates don’t agree with you, let’s go home. It’s just like a job interview. What are your goals. What you do? Your skills? ” And the Atty. agreed. We were both tired, shook hands, said goodbye and good luck to each other. Till this day, Lucy has not found the one. She quit the dating sites and is undergoing therapy for depression.
This gay guy is a dear friend. A talented photojournalist I will call Mike. He has been on Grinder for quite sometime. When I last saw him, I asked, “How’s it going with Grinder? He replied, “I quit already because when I last logged in, I realize he’s a few meters away sent from my iPhone.”
Once, I guested for GMA Network Wagas, a love story drama. My makeup artist, Aileen, a beautiful exotic looking gay who dresses up like a woman, with breast implants and long shapely legs, showed me the men she dates online. One is an Arab, and when they do an online chat, it was a complete show with full HD make up, costumes ala Victoria’s Secret , full production design and award-winning lighting! She has mastered the technique of hiding his penis back towards his butt and creates the illusion of a woman’s genitals. The Arab sends her a monthly allowance of $400/month. He is also chatting with a Romanian guy, who regularly visits once or twice a year. Aileen continues her work as a makeup artist by day, and an online lover at night.
A dear friend, Ms. Monroe, a nurse from Kaiser has this to share. “On his profile Jim said he’s 5’6, in person I think he’s only 5’0, chokes every time he swallows food, I thought I had to do Heimlich (FYI Heimlich first aid procedure used to treat upper airway obstructions or choking by foreign objects. The term Heimlich maneuver is named after Dr. Henry Heimlich, who first described it in 1974.). I still went out with him for a coffee to let him know I’m not ready to date so I won’t hurt his feelings.”
“Another guy, aka Long John, we were emailing for few days, wanted to meet me and willing to drive for few hours, then he mentioned, btw I’m wearing a patch on one eye, I have problem with vision. I told him not a good idea to be seing each other because of distance, trying to be nice so I won’t hurt his feelings.” I guess the men wanting to date her we’re looking for a nurse mate.
Let me introduce to you Atty. J, a lawyer from California who dated a self-proclaimed Miss Sweden,we will call Miss M. She arrived on the first date was driving a BMW sports car, very stylish and gorgeous. She expected her “man”to take care of her wants and needs, be it her myriad of lawsuits, a botch plastic surgeries, including a new set of tires for her car, plus gas money for their dates. And sex only materialized after a couple of months wait.
And yet it was all obligatory missionary style, including her watchful daschund on the floor. It turns out she never represented Sweden in a beauty pageant. But did win “Miss Best Breast Poland” at a beach event. When Atty. J decided to break up, they met at a restaurant telling her, “We have something we need to discuss. This isn’t about you. It’s about me.” Luckily, his cellphone rang at that very moment and the doctor said, “Go to the nearest emergency room now as your potassium level is in heart attack range!” End! Best breakup ever.
Meet Joan, beauty queen in her 50s, a good friend, a good actress. Recently, she was in primetime news and sued for estafa by an ex-fiancée for the amount of $650,000! She would not return the money to the retired banker. She must have sensed that he is reaching 0 balance and called the wedding off after planning to purchase a prime condominium.
Once in Manila, I tried to create an account on Match.com and the MillionaireMatch.com! To my surprise, these U.S. sites are banned from the Philippines because of so many reported blackmails and scams from my dear fellow countrymen. While indulging on online sex, some would take a video of unsuspecting online lovers abroad, engaged in self- pleasure. Then the Philippine side makes a demand. “Send money thru Western Union or else this video will go viral!”
Finally, Anna Liza Gino, Bb. Pilipinas 2nd Runner Up, 1982. Here’s her story…
Dating is such a challenge. Tried meeting men through friends, even thought I’d find someone in church. Forget about finding one in the bar, especially if you want something more meaningful. So, I turned to online dating.
There was this twenty questions you have to pass through. I decided that if I wanted something real then I must answer the questionnaire honestly. Now I’m online and started fishing. They look so wonderful in their profile pictures, but when you see the guy, you realize it’s his picture 10 years ago, and usually at least 15 pounds heavier. And did I mention the hair or lack of it?
Moving beyond the looks, conversations with them through messaging, emails, or phone sound promising. So let’s move to the next step: face to face meeting.
Now, I do understand why the princess had to kiss several frogs before finding her prince. And let me tell you, there were a lot of frogs. Yes, chivalry was definitely dead. I get to one date, and the guy was already eating. Another time, all he did was talk about his ex-wife. And yet another wanted to get physical immediately. Seriously?!
Reminds me of the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire, when Robin Williams was interviewing via phone using his many voices for the nanny position with Sally Fields. Sally was afraid to take another call after a series of scary sounding applicants. I was just about ready to throw in the towel. Maybe this online dating is not for me.
And then it happened. This time, just coffee please and we can go from there. Met him at this popular coffee place. Funny thing, after saying hello, he was speechless. He simply looked at me and was smiling nonstop. We sat quietly for a bit. After what seemed like a long quite silence, we started talking. Before you knew it, an hour passed and I had to go.
A few hours later, I got a call from him. I smiled. But then I heard on the phone, “Hello. Welcome to xxxxx, what may I get for you?” He was at a drive through! I asked, “Are you at a drive through?” He answered, “Yes. Can you hold please?” Then he proceeded to place his order. After a while, he got back on the phone and told me, that he was sorry but he was actually very hungry, but he wanted to make sure that he called me to ensure that he got to ask me out again. How cute!
So here we are now. Six years later, and happily married. Never thought I’d find my prince. By the way, he too answered the questionnaire honestly. That was how we got matched. So if you should ever do something, be all in, or not at all.
Liza Gino is now Mrs. Brian Clairmont and belongs to the 32% who found their partners online.